There are times when things are going great for my boys and me, and then I wish that Matthew were with us, in that moment, experiencing our joy with us. I oftentimes wish he were here with me, for my own selfish reasons, but there are definite moments when I think that I could really see myself doing it all-taking care of him and his two brothers, and us being together as a family.
But then I remember the reality of my situation. There is nothing wrong with being realistic. It is an honest assessment of my situation, my finances, and my emotional and mental capabilities to cope with raising three boys. I am honest enough with myself to know that taking care of two small children and a baby would have required two jobs, meaning that I would not even be able to spend the time I wanted with them. I would not have been the one they spent most of their time with. That was not a sacrifice I was willing to make. Though I am not afraid of hard work, I felt that adoption was the right choice.
That decision is confirmed to me every day. My days are not spent dwelling on what we lack, it is spent on being thankful for all that we have. My boys and I love each other very much, and we have fun together. We are not without struggles, but our lives are full of love and joy. I can acknowledge that Matt and his family are experiencing the same love and joy, and that gives me peace about my decision to place him for adoption.