If you decide to make an adoption plan for your baby, then taking care of your emotional needs during your pregnancy and after placement should be a priority. Pregnancy brings out all kinds of emotions, and those emotions are compounded when making an adoption plan for your baby. Not only that, but the emotional struggles birth parents face are remarkably different from those parents who get to go home with a new baby. The emotional challenges birth parents face during pregnancy and after placement are tremendous. At times, it can be overwhelming. While these feelings do not last long, being emotionally prepared for placement is essential to the healing process.

The moment I knew I was placing my son for adoption, I began what I can only describe as a detachment process. I detached myself from identifying myself as his mom. I knew that at the end of my pregnancy, I would not be going home with a new beautiful baby, and I began preparing myself for that. That was one of the biggest emotional challenges I faced, and what I imagine all birth parents face. That loss of identity, for me anyway, was a tragic loss. I really struggled with knowing that I would not be his mom because I have two boys I get to call my own. They call me Mommy, but Matt will grow up calling another woman Mommy. I think that loss of identity is something that needs to be addressed soon after deciding to place your baby for adoption. You will not have it all worked out when it is time to place your baby in another family’s arms, but you will have prepared yourself as best you can if you acknowledge that challenge beforehand.

You will also have to deal with your own family. Whatever your situation is, whether you are married, already have kids, aged 16 or 36, you will have to deal with how those around you will deal with your decision. Not everyone in my family supported me in my decision. I had a few friends who supported me, and I am thankful them. My mother pretended the pregnancy did not exist. The hardest family related issue was dealing with my boys; they did not understand that the baby in Mommy’s belly would not be coming home to live with us. When I returned home, they frequently asked me about their baby brother and when he was coming home. If you have children, be prepared to talk to them about your adoption plan, and be prepared for those questions after placement.

All this pre-delivery preparation prepares you for that moment when you are to sign the papers that relinquish your rights to your baby. I never had second thoughts, or doubts that I was doing what I wanted to do. That did not make signing those papers any easier. I am convinced that nothing in this world completely prepares you for that moment, but the preparations you make during your pregnancy definitely help. In that pivotal moment, when those papers are in front of you, you are faced with the absolute reality of the situation. That moment impacts the rest of your life and that of your baby’s, as well as the adoptive parents. That moment is something you need to prepare yourself for. That is the most important emotional rollercoaster (and I say rollercoaster because you may be feeling ten thousand things at that particular moment) you need to prepare for in your adoption journey. In that moment, remember why you chose the path of adoption for your baby. Remember that whatever you are feeling is normal, and that those feelings are a part of the adoption journey and the path to healing.

Going home without a baby really sucks. It hurts, and it is devastating. It is supposed to feel that way. I do not say this to scare you. I say that because it is true, and I want to be honest. You must prepare to have constructive and positive things to do to occupy your time when you get home. You will have that initial recovery period where you need to physically heal from having a baby. During that time you will cry. That is a good thing. After the next few days you will still cry, and you will also need emotional support and do things that facilitate good emotional health. Do at least one thing you like doing every day. Take a shower every day. Go outside for a few minutes every day. Talk to someone every day, even if only for a few minutes.

Now that I have terrified you with all this high-intensity emotional drama, let me tell you that those things pass quickly. Those feelings are normal, and you are supposed to feel them in order to feel better. I really hated when other people told me that during the time that I was placing, but it really is true. I would hate for someone to think that they would regret placing their baby for adoption because they felt like they would forever be in pain. You will be in pain, at first, but not forever. I believe that the pain will be easier to cope with if you prepare yourself to be in pain. Relinquishing your rights should not be an emotional shock; it is something you prepare for shortly after you decide to place your baby for adoption. After it is all said and done, you move forward. You cope with the loss; you love your baby from afar; you heal.

Ask Skylar your questions about adoption at adopt@aactofloveadoptions.com.