It has been two years since I placed my son for adoption, and my boys, Edward and Matthias, seven and six years old respectively, still ask me when their baby brother is going to come home. While it is rather endearing that they want to play with (or perhaps just boss around) their brother, I find it saddening and even frustrating at times. When I was pregnant with Matthew, I explained to them that when the baby in my belly comes out, he will go live with his mom and dad. He will not be coming home with Mommy. Apparently, they must think it is only a temporary situation.

The boys have two other siblings from their dad. They know how this whole baby thing works. I am not sure if they just do not understand, or perhaps I have not explained it properly or thoroughly. It sucks sometimes to explain to my boys that their brother is not coming home with us. It really hurts at times to explain that he will not be spending the night with us or going to the park. It is a reminder of the things that I have missed and will miss from Matthew’s life; it is also painful to see those brief moments of sadness on my boys’ faces when I tell them their brother is not coming. I have imagined us all being together, a family, many times in the last two years. It is pretty obvious they imagine that as well. They occasionally like to talk about what they would do if Matthew were with us. It sounds like they think about him more than I give them credit for.

One of the things that gets to me is that they really try to show him love. We each have these turtles, which we all call babies that were gifts from Matthew’s parents. Matthew has one, too. They like to show love to the babies because they think Matthew can feel those hugs and kisses. It is really sweet and touching, and is a reflection of good parenting.

Kids are resilient, but in those moments when they are so eager about having baby brother come over, I wonder how much pain they experience from not having their baby brother around. I know they love him, but as kids, they do not yet fully understand adoption or the impact of losing a sibling through adoption. They have each other now, and in the future, hopefully, they will have Matthew. Their reactions to and questions about Matthew reaffirm my decision to place him for adoption was the right one because I see how much more love there is in the world for all three of my boys.