“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

This quote is, in reality, far from the truth. Words may even hurt more than sticks and stones because the damage is inflicted where the wounds may not heal as quickly. Words have their own special power and should be used with sensitivity and care. In the same way that words can hurt, words can also build up, give meaning and educate.

Positive Language in Adoption

For the longest time, adoption has been viewed in a negative light. This is still reflected in words that are spoken without careful consideration for the adoption triad. That is why adoption professionals, adoption agencies and families who have adopted need to actively campaign and work to promote the use of positive adoption language. At A Act of Love Adoptions, we are committed to using and promoting positive adoption language.

The careful and conscious use of positive adoption language can actually showcase the wonder that is adoption. It also conveys our respect for the people for the families, birth parents and children. Using positive adoption language shows that adoption, like childbirth, is a valid and loving way of building a family. This is about creating a safe environment for those in the adoption triad, by carefully avoiding the use of terms that mean well, but can actually be hurtful.

Here are some examples:
– Birthparent. The birthparent should refer to both the birth mom and dad. This recognizes that a child has both a birth mom and a birth dad.  This term should also be used when the birthparents have finalized their decision for adoption.
– Avoiding the word “real” or “natural”.  The terms “real” and “natural” imply that there is an opposite – something that is not real or unnatural. The parents who have adopted the child are simply “mom and dad”. The parents should refer to all children as “my children”, giving no distinction between children by adoption or by childbirth. Biological children are not to be referred to as “real children”. In the same way, the birthparents are referred to as such and not as the “real or natural parents”. This prevents adoptees and parent who adopted from being insignificant and unvalued because they are not considered “real”.
– Not referring to your child as “my adopted child”. This description may denote that there is something qualitatively different with a child who has been adopted as opposed to a child by natural birth.
– Placing for adoption vs. giving up or surrendering my baby. The term “giving up” has negative and hurtful connotations, especially to the child and the birthparents. The child may feel unvalued. The term also implies that birthparents did not care about the child. However, adoption may just be their choice out of their love for the child and their desire for what is best for him. “Place for adoption” is more emotionally neutral, as is, “making an adoption plan”. “
– Is adopted vs. was adopted. “Was adopted” connotes that the fact of a child’s adoption is part of their life events, but not something that defines their identity. “Is adopted” connotes something that is ongoing.