Placing a baby for adoption is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. Knowing that you are not in a place where you can offer your child the basic necessities he/she will need at this time, adoption is a choice that can bring you peace. As you contemplate your pregnancy and the options available to you, some may tell you that adoption is a selfish decision. Having known hundreds of adopted children and birthparents that have placed them, I can tell you that adoption is the most unselfish decision anyone can make. Choosing to give your baby life but knowing you will not be raising him/her is a sacrifice on your part, but one that will fill your heart with joy, knowing you did the very best you could do at this time in your life.
In your journey through the adoption process it is best to take some time to really learn about adoption, think about the things you hear and read about, and then listen to your instincts. You are the biological parent of this child and you have the stewardship over him/her. As you study, you will begin to learn what feels comfortable to you in this process. For instance, as you learn about open adoption or closed adoption, you will know in your heart which one is best for you and just how open (or closed) the adoption should be. One thing to keep in mind is that we are all different. What might be right for one birthparent, isn’t for another. One set of birthparents may feel that a very open adoption is the best for them. Another birthmother or father may want to select an adoptive couple, meet them at the birth of the child and then close the adoption after that, knowing the child is in good hands. As you move through this process, your heart will tell you what is right for you!
Working with an adoption agency is a great way to ensure that prospective adoptive parents are qualified, screened and approved by professionals. There are many licensed adoption agencies in the United States. It is a good idea to call many of them to see what adoption agency is the best fit. You will know when you have found the right one because it will feel “right” to you. Have a list of questions to ask each adoption agency — this can help you compare and contrast. Agencies such as A Act of Love Adoptions thoroughly screen adoptive couples. They offer classes that adoptive families attend to help them in their preparation for adoption. These classes include a birthparent panel where families can learn first-hand from parents that have placed children for adoption. A Act of Love classes also help adoptive parents learn about hair and skin care for different ethnics. In addition, A Act of Love also requires each adoptive parent to be CPR certified.
After you have selected an agency and begin the matching process, you will be given some profiles. A profile is like a mini scrap book of an adoptive couple. It is usually a collection of pictures and descriptions of life events, vacations, hobbies and family. In viewing profiles you will find yourself having feelings one way or another toward these couples. This is a good thing. Be honest in the way you feel. Put those you like in a pile and the others you don’t connect with in another pile. You can re-read the ones you like and list the qualities you like about each couple. You can also list the similarities between you and them. For instance, if you love music and play an instrument, the parents in the profile may enjoy music or teach piano. Another connection may be your love of the outdoors. You might view pictures of an adoptive couple hiking or camping. How do you feel about pets? Religion? Large families vs. small families? These are all things to consider as you view the profiles.
Profiles can also be found on various on-line websites. Myadoptionagencies.com now has profiles of adoptive couples for birthparents to see. There are many other sites as well. As you view on-line profiles, make sure to note the website and the adoptive couple information so you can inquire further about them. Always make sure the adoptive couple has had a background screening and has been cleared to adopt.
After you have found profiles you are interested in, ask your adoption agency if you can interview the couples. This can be done by phone, Skype or in person. Have a list of questions or subjects you would like to talk about. Having a list helps if you get nervous and your mind goes blank. Interviewing adoptive couples will help you narrow down your options. It is always good to see how you “click” with them in person. As you do the interviews, your choices may change, for instance if one couple was your top choice and the interview with the couple that was your third choice went so well, you may decide you like them better. After the interview, go back to your original list of qualities and add/delete to what you have already listed. At this point you may want to eliminate some or all of the couples but one. If you are still undecided, you may ask for another interview or more information on the couples you are deciding between. Between your heart and your mind, you will know who the right adoptive couple is for you and your baby.
Once you have selected the adoptive couple, you will experience a sense of relief and peace. You will be able to begin picturing your child with them; having all the wonderful opportunities and experiences you want for your baby. As you continue this journey of adoption, which will now include your adoptive couple, be open and honest with yourself and them, keep the lines of communication open and speak often with your agency caseworker. This can help things move smoothly through the birth and placement process.
As you move through your adoption plan, remind yourself that you are making the best decision for yourself, your other children (if you have some), and this baby. Adoption decisions are never easy but in most circumstances they are the right decisions. Surround yourself with people that support your decision and an adoption agency that will offer you good counseling. Commend yourself for giving your child life and for offering the most precious gift ever to your loving adoptive couple. Your journey will not end at placement and your child will be forever grateful to you for putting his/her needs before that of your own.