Attachment between humans is a complex process.  Although there are a few definitions out there, the one that I happen to like is:  “An affectionate bond between individuals that endures through space and time and serves to join them emotionally.”  Positive attachment helps children trust others, become self-reliant, increase feelings of self-worth, better cope with frustration, develop a conscience, think logically, and attain their full potential.  In short, it is the foundation for just about everything.

The first myth I would like to shine some light on has to do with the notion that adoptive parents are at a disadvantage regarding attachment.  Some adoptive parents have told social work staff at Act of Love Adoption Agency they worry about their ability to attach to an adopted child in the same way as a biological child.  Other adoptive parents have expressed their doubts about the adopted child’s ability to attach to them.  However, the professional literature and sum of my experience working at Act of Love is that most infants are able to form attachment with any loving, nurturing care-giver.  Neither blood ties to the child, the sex of the care-giver, nor any other factor is as important in the development of attachment as the care-givers sensitivity to the baby’s signals.

An attachment theorist and author, by the name of Rene Spitz, studied parent and child bonding for more than three decades.  Although he writes some on the opportunities for attachment that occur during pregnancy, he believed that the attachment and bonding process begins at or soon after birth of the infant.  He said, “The development of attachment after birth proceeds in a nearly identical manner whether the infant is genetically connected to the parents or not.”  Rene Spitz found many similarities between birth parents expecting a child and adoptive parents who were expecting a child that included; fantasizing about how the child will look, imagining what type of parent they will be, making physical preparations, and thinking about the types of experiences they would like to have with their child.

How important is it that your adopted children look like you?  What kinds of experiences do you look forward to having with your adopted child?  Rene Spitz brings forth an important bonding concept called “claiming” which begins when parentshave their first glimpse of the child, checking fingers and toes and looking for physical similarities between themselves and the child.  “Claiming” continues through most stages of development and includes behavior wherein the child is accepted into the family and made to feel cherished and valued.  How were you claimed by your family?  How will you claim your soon-to-be-adopted child?  Act of Love Adoptions offers counseling and Adoption Preparation Classes to help adoptive parents prepare for bonding and attachment.

In talking with adoptive parents about their bonding concerns, I have observed that not being able to breastfeed is at the base of some of their beliefs.  The bonding and attachment process involves the infant sending out cues and the parents responding to those cues in a variety of ways.  (For example; by talking or singing to the child (sound), holding and stroking the child, (smell and touch), providing a bottle (taste), smiling at the child (visual), changing the child (touch).  In brief, as long as the child experiences the care-giver using all of his/her senses, bonding and attachment will proceed in the usual way.  This “bonding through the five senses” is the basis for adoptive mothers and adoptive fathers feeding the adopted child with skin-to-skin contact.

During the first year of life, an infant’s primary developmental task is building feelings of trust, security, and safety.  The way that infants acquire these feelings is through the day-to-day interactions with a parent or care-giver.  Many new parents, myself included, wonder if they will respond in the right way to their child’s needs.  The day I drove my son home from the hospital I remember being very concerned about my ability to “do it right.”  I had never bathed an infant before.  I didn’t even know diapers had a front and back.  I offer this counsel for any soon-to-be parent who may be wondering “what should I do…when…”  A good guideline in answering this question is “whatever will help my child learn to trust me.”  When a parent responds to the needs of an infant in a consistent dependable way; the infant feels regulated, calm, and is then freed up to begin processing their environment.  When an infant become hungry and cries; the attentive parent provides food.  This way of responding over time helps the baby to associate the sensation of being hungry with eating.  This cycle helps us to understand why children who come from abusive or neglectful homes not only have problems with trust, but they also have difficulty identifying the source of their body discomforts.  When I worked with children, who had been neglected in their first years of life; invariably they had considerable difficulty in distinguishing hunger pains from a full bladder, or experienced headaches or body-aches when what they really wanted was positive attention.

In most of the adoptions we are involved in, mutual attachment happens very naturally and easily.  Each year we have one or two adoptive parents who come in for counseling because one or both of them are having difficulty attaching to the child, but this is usually resolved with a counseling sessions.  Sometimes, babies can be extra fussy and difficult to soothe, because their nervous systems are still developing.  They may be sensitive to touch, sounds, smells, light and other things.  A significant number of babies have trouble digesting certain types of formula they are being given.  For these children, providing them with a feeding only increases rather than decreases their discomfort.  If this interaction goes on long enough, it can interfere with their ability to sort out and learn about their different body sensations and, in turn, their attachment.  Thus, it is very important for adoptive parents to experiment with different feeding positions, clothing, formulas, sounds, smells, etc…so that you can respond to your child only with interactions that soothe and comfort them.  If your baby is having difficulty being comforted, don’t wait to seek out the help of an experienced family member or professional.  The primary role of the social worker from Act of Love Adoptions that is doing your post placement evaluations is there to be your support person during the six months after placement.  It is important to contact your social worker immediately and explain the situation, so they can assist you with the problem.

This brings us to the next myth.  Some adoptive parents are concerned that it may reflect badly on them in the eyes of the social worker doing the post placements, if they ask questions about infant/child care or talk openly about any problems they are having.  I have even had adoptive parents tell me that they are worried that the social worker involved in the post placement counseling was going to take the baby from them.  When adoptive parents are worried about their ability to keep the child that has been placed with them; this, in turn, makes me wonder if their anxiety is having an effect on their “claiming” of the adopted child.  So, in regards to the post placement visits, let me make it clear that the social workers’ goals at Act of Love Adoption Agency are to make the placement successful, support the adoptive parents, assess the baby’s growth and development, and provide the documentation that the courts need to finalize the adoption.