I keep imagining what life would be like had I not placed Matt for adoption and instead, chose to raise him myself. My first thoughts are always about how he would be a part of my life and that I could love on him, watch him grow, teach him, hold him, and watch him play with his brothers. I imagine his brothers adoring him because both Edward and Matthias love babies, especially Matthias. But then, I think about the reality of raising Matthew. I am not sure what the situation would be like with his birth father (BF). Maybe he would be going into a dangerous situation every time he visited his BF. Maybe Matthew never would have made it past infant hood because his BF lost his temper. Maybe his BF would not be a part of his life. Then there are finances (no, I don’t care much about money, but the reality is that you need it in order to care for a child). Daycare would be a nightmare. Then there are diapers and doc appointments. I work full time, but I, like most others, make a very modest income. While I would like to think it would have been possible to raise Matthew myself, it would not have been the best choice for Matthew.
Sure, unexpected pregnancies happen, and perhaps, adoption is the best choice for many situations, but more often than not, those situations are “crisis” (I use crisis for lack of a better word) situations. In my situation, I felt that adoption was the BEST choice, and raising him was neither safe nor wise. That is the decision I was most comfortable with. The biggest factor was fear…fear stemming mostly from the BF situation. Under no circumstances would I place my son, any of them, in danger. Other factors included wanting what is best for Matthew and knowing that he could never receive the kind of love, upbringing, and attention that I wanted for him if he stayed with me. Edward and Matthias have a super fantastic father! Admittedly, things were not always great, but their dad is a HUGE part of their lives now. I firmly believe Matthew never would have had that with me. (Unless, of course, I marry at some point.)
Placing Matthew for adoption has turned out to be EVEN BETTER than what I originally thought. It has given him everything I wanted for him. A mom and dad, an adorable older sister who LOVES him, a really huge extended family…like huge. He spends most, if not all, of his time with his family; whereas with me, he would spend about half the day at daycare, then another ten hours sleeping, which leaves only a handful of hours with me which would be spent doing homework, cooking, etc. I can tell you from experience, there is no fun having a kid if you cannot spend time with him. I really hit the jackpot finding Matthew’s parents. There are no better parents for my son. Matthew has so much love in his life, stability, safety. I know he is being taught the things I would have taught him because I saw that instilled in his sister.
At the end of the day, no matter how much I think about what life would be like raising Matthew with his brothers, I have no regrets over placing him for adoption. The way I see it, I had three options: abortion, raising him myself, or placing him for adoption. I think if I had gone through with the abortion I would have regretted it for the rest of my life, plagued with guilt and sorrow. Raising him myself could have been dangerous for him, and he would not have had the kind of upbringing I want for him. But placing him for adoption, that has given him exactly everything he needs and so much more.
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