The odd thing about adoption is that it is a decision that benefits multiple people. There are times when I stop to take a look at my busy weekend and think; this wouldn’t be possible if my son was still with me. But these moments don’t fill me with joy at my full calendar; instead it’s a little bit of guilt.
On the other hand this is where contentment also comes from; the knowledge that my son is okay. After having gone through an extensive search and selection for a great family, it becomes so much easier to imagine the life that my son will lead and all the happiness that will come their way.
Knowing that my son will never be without any essentials required for a happy life, helps me to relax a bit. It eases the guilt and I am reminded that I am free from the anxiety that overwhelmed me during my pregnancy. When I see children around me laughing and giggling, it resonates even more strongly with my own child’s life is amazing. He has all the worldly comforts that he desires, along with the support and love of the adoptive family. He has siblings to play with and he will grow up with a strong support system to hold him up during the more stressful patches of their lives.
Even though it will still be tough being so far away from my son and I know I will miss out on watching him grow up, I feel okay. I can’t say that everything is perfect (there still is that bit of guilt I’m dealing with), but there is a calmness that settles upon me that is hard to explain in words. In the mornings I love to just close my eyes and imagine my son’s face with a big toothy grin on it. Now that will put anyone back in a good mood.